Rewrite your Story

There was a wonderful episode of Oprah’s “Lifeclass” recently that focused on the stories we tell ourselves about our lives.  In this segment, Iyanla Vansant talked about how we keep ourselves stuck by re-telling the same story about our life, over and over, based on our past experiences.  By doing so, we actually “hypnotize” ourselves into believing the adversity, challenges or errors of our past are still potent today, breathing life into our present realities.  Nothing could be further from the truth or more damaging to our present-day existence.

What is your “story”?   Is that terrible childhood, that difficult divorce from many years ago, still taking place in your life through your story?  Do you identify yourself, the self that is real and present in the moment, with the character/person you were when these events took place?  If so, it’s time to rewrite your story to represent the truth of who you are and what you are experiencing in the present.  Old hurts, old wounds, past mistakes are not who you are and are not representative of where your life is heading.  They are only experiences that happened at one point in time, and have ceased to exist in the moment.  Conversely, the stories we may tell ourselves and others about “former glory” may not have a place in our lives either.  While rehashing stories of our former victories, our former shining moments are certainly enjoyable, they may not quite fit with who we are in the present or where we are heading.  Hold onto the positive memories, but don’t allow them to eclipse the new and wonderful things you can create for yourself.

What can be more damaging than the stories we tell ourselves, are the stories we allow others to tell for us.  My mother, for example, lived most of life overshadowed by fear … fear of the unknown, fear of the known, and fear of the possibilities.  The bigger and brighter path was never one encouraged for me, perhaps not as much to be detrimental, but more so to be protective.  My mother believed comfort and security came in never shining too brightly and keeping your life within a small, familiar circle. That was one of her stories.  She tried to imprint many of her stories upon me, which isn’t so unusual in the realm of motherhood, but can be damaging to a child if the stories being imposed are not of a positive and uplifting nature.  While I realize she only did what she knew how to do at the time, with the resources available to her, it’s essential to never embrace another person’s story as your own.

One of the sillier but negative stories my mother projected upon  me when I was younger was that I was that I somehow lacked physical coordination.  I never quite understood where it originated or why, since as a child I always excelled in school sports, being on the front line in gym class, playing kickball and softball with solid eye-hand coordination.  But somewhere along the way, my mother began her insight of  “Oh Karen isn’t coordinated” or “Karen can’t do that or that activity.”  When I was young, I internalized this, allowing this particular story seep-in, becoming confused and erroneously thinking “If this is true, will I hurt myself if I attempt this activity?”  It wasn’t until I reached my mid-thirties and became an avid runner during that time period that I realized there was absolutely no truth in the story she had projected upon me and that I had always been a physically strong person, capable of hitting my mark. Why she established this story, I’ll never know, but once I realized this wasn’t my story, it vanished from my life.

Think about this: The cells in the human body regenerate themselves in their entirety every seven years.  There isn’t any cell in your body that exists past a certain period in time, so ask yourself … why should your former story?  Your personal story, your truth, shifts, changes and regenerates throughout your lifetime.  Don’t stay stuck in the past of what was then and isn’t now.  Change your story to represent the truth of now embrace the power that is in the moment. 

Signs of a Breakthrough

How do you know when you’re on the verge of a breakthrough in life?  One sure sign I’ve experienced it that opposition will hit you hard.   If you’ve had the courage and the wisdom to see a new path in life, to take a risk and dare to envision  a better life for yourself, whether it’s through a new business venture, a new relationship or a new way of thinking,  … expect people and things to come up against you and try to knock you off course.  It may sound pessimistic to think this way, but it’s not.  There are spiritual checks and balances in this world, and this is one I’ve found to be tried and true.

It’s also one that can serve you well if you understand what it is and what how to properly perceive it.  Think about it … how does a pregnant woman know the birth of her child is imminent? …by experiencing labor pains.  She knows that during labor she will experience discomfort, pain and difficulty, but she also knows the end result will be a wonderful new life in the form of a beautiful child.  When we are on the right course spiritually, when we are being guided to fulfill our destiny, to bring about situations in life that will propel us to another level, we will experience spiritual labor pains.  The pains of adversity that come before a breakthrough can make us feel like we are going to be defeated, like we can’t possibly move through the obstacle, but it’s only a test … if we can hold on and know that the contractions will end, we’ll give birth to our beautiful reward.

For example, if you decided to start a new business, to better yourself by furthering your education or to dare to find your dream job that inspires passion within, you can be certain the naysayers will come out of the woodwork in droves.  They may even be people who have been supportive of you in the past, people who you love and respect.  Keep in mind the majority of people in this world  fear change and when they witness others having the courage to actually change, especially those close to them, it brings a sense of discomfort and and insecurity into their world.  The status quo is shaken.  Most people gain a sense of comfort by keeping those around them on a level playing field.  Often times they’ll try to talk you out of your new venture by giving you a myriad of reasons why this new venture will fail and say it under the auspice of being “for your own good” yet only you will know the truth about what feels right for your life.  

Often times, others opinions of what is right for your life are simply projections of what is right for your life in comparison to theirs.  Think about this:  Lucille Ball, arguably one of the greatest comedic talents of the 20^th century and a television pioneer was repeatedly told  “she had no talent” and should consider any other line of work when she first started in the entertainment industry.  Had she listened to the choir of voices telling her the path she should have taken, she would have never walked into her destiny.

Less subtle are the waves of adversity that will hit in terms of obstacles right before your breakthrough: Financial obstacles may suddenly appear, former allies may turn against you without reason, illness may strike your body, and everything may suddenly appear as though what you’ve been trying to do is one large mistake.  This is the time to hang on tightly.  It’s the storm before the rainbow, the night before the day break.  Buckle down and see it for what it is, one last hurrah on the part of the opposition to derail you, to test your confidence, and you’ll soon see yourself walking through the trial, walking through the fear.

Never allow another person to draft the blueprint of your life.  You are the architect and you have the most divine compass within you, your instinct.  If you’ve been experiencing despair and have done everything in life to elevate yourself through prayer, through clean living, through love, through intuitive risk, through creativity and you suddenly find yourself up against a Goliath – rejoice, for it is often a sign that your breakthrough is imminent!

Speak up for your relationship

I recently sat in on a group chat with women discussing their relationships with the men in their lives, and the loss of trust and emotional abuse they were experiencing.  Most of us have experienced a painful love relationship at one point in our lives and hindsight becomes our greatest teacher.  How can we, as women, identify certain pitfalls before we invest ourselves emotionally?  There are many thoughts on the subject, but I’d like to address a few truths that seemed to be in the forefront of my recent conversation:

We teach people how to treat us.  We teach – by what we are willing to accept – people how they may treat us.  If you accept any type of poor behavior (lying, cheating, or any other behavior you deem unacceptable) for the first time in a relationship, that particular behavior will be given a silent stamp-of-approval moving forward in the relationship. For example, if a man you’ve recently starting dating stands you up for a date without any valid explanation or reason, and you continue to date him without fully addressing the issue, you’ve given him an unspoken confirmation that while his lack of respect may have upset you, you’re willing to accept it without consequence.  Many women choose to stay silent and not make an issue of an offensive behavior because they fear losing any aspect of the relationship or the potential for one.  We teach people how to treat us … it’s as simple as that.

Be clear about what you truly want.  A verbal promise of marriage is not that same as the action it takes to marry.  If you choose to cohabitate with your partner it’s fine as long as your cards have been put on the table and it’s a mutually agreed upon arrangement.  Many women erroneously think living together is a natural progression to marriage … it’s not.  It can, in some relationships, lead to marriage but it’s not necessarily a precursor.  Some men are very content living with a woman they may not consider wife material, either legally or emotionally.  It’s a subject women are often afraid to broach, again for fear of losing whatever established relationship exists.  Don’t be.  It’s better to truly understand where you stand, and if where you currently stand is not leading up to where you hope to stand in the future, cut your loss.  Time is a precious commodity once spent, can never be regained.

One woman in the group spoke of her despair over her husband’s relationship with internet pornography.  Internet porn is often not benign and can become a harmful addiction in the same way one experiences substance abuse through drugs, alcohol or prescription pain medication.  What many women (and men) do not understand about internet porn is that it desensitizes one's reaction to sex over time, not enhances it  For example, a person addicted to valium must continue to increase their dosage to experience the same level of reaction to the drug.  It’s the same with internet pornography.  A person engaging with this type of sexual behavior will not be able to experience the same level of gratification they are experiencing at one particular point in time unless they continue to seek more in terms of larger and often diverse quantities. Brain chemistry alters with any behavioral addiction.  Unrealistic, sexualized images of women also contribute to a man’s dissatisfaction with his real flesh-and-blood partner, causing a woman to feel a sting of rejection that wasn’t initially a part of the relationship. If you suspect your partner is addicted to internet pornography, either address the issue or live with the consequences it will impart on your intimate relationship.

We all have a natural desire as human beings to feel loved, to be wanted and to be part of something bigger than ourselves.  It’s when our desire to be part of a couple compromises our core beliefs and values that we’ll be met with heart wrenching frustration.  As Janis Joplin said … “Don’t compromise yourself, you are all you’ve got.”

"Settling" for less than our best in love?

“E” wrote in seeking advice … She’s been married for years to a man whom she believes she “settled” for and admitted she felt a sense of disappointment when they first met on a blind date.  She and her husband are now considering a separation based on how she is feeling.  She admits she feels envy when her friends talk about their mates and how much they love them, since she’s never experienced that feeling.  “E” wanted to know if I thought she had settled and if her feelings of embarrassment towards her mate and her marriage as a result of how she sees herself, and if she could attract a better partner.

Dear E:

Your question is a very interesting one which caused me to ponder “Why do we choose the mates we do?” and “Does the mate we choose reflect how we feel about ourselves?


I believe there is a direct correlation between how we feel about ourselves at the time we set out to choose a potential mate and the person whom we attract.  Most people will be drawn to a partner by an immediate physical attraction; it’s probably the most powerful initial force in any budding romantic relationship.  Others will be drawn to someone with certain personality traits or lifestyle structure, which may represent things we value in life and aspire to or hope to acquire.  However there are unspoken qualities in a person that will mirror our subconscious beliefs about ourselves.


You stated in your email that you were initially “disappointed” when you first met your husband.  Based on that, I’m going to assume the physical attraction component was missing at the time or has been non-existent, and you chose to continue to build a relationship based on either his personality traits and/or lifestyle issues, i.e. financial security, or he exhibited signs that he might be trustworthy companion.  However, the initial disappointment issue raises a red flag and indicates to me that something was missing in either they way you saw yourself or viewed your situation, causing you to think it over … deciding to go ahead with the relationship with your then boyfriend although you felt disappointment in your choice.


I believe people can and do become more attractive to us as if we have positive experiences as we get to know them.  It’s a fairly common occurrence…a person who may not initially be our “cup of tea” in the realm of physical attraction can become much more attractive in our eyes after we’ve gotten to know them and become acquainted with their personalities, their ethics, their traits, their values, etc.   There are countless men who don’t possess the physical allure of an Antonio Banderas, but are considered attractive in the eyes of many women because they may possess intelligence, be witty, are loving, have financial stability and the know-how of how to treat a woman.


My guess is that when you first met your husband you weren’t confident in yourself or in your ability to attract what you considered to be a more desirable man because you accepted the disappointment factor and proceeded forward.  Something inside of yourself rationalized that this man was what you deserved/wanted at the time based on your internal projection.  This is not to say your husband isn’t a wonderful man, hasn’t been a good spouse or isn’t attractive to other woman.  He may very well be.  Remember, attraction is subjective – what a person finds alluring can be very individualized.


Marriage can be challenging enough even when all the relationship-ducks are in line and there is the natural physical glue that binds many couples.  Physical attraction alone cannot serve as the primary adherent in a long-term marriage since the initial passion most couples experience will settle into a more comfortable and balanced state, requiring other aspects of the relationship to contribute to its sustainability.  I think the best relationships have the aspect of “emotional resurrection” … when couples are able to resurrect the feeling of why they initially fell in love and use it as an emotional-connector throughout the lifespan of the relationship.


Without knowing your ages or other factors in your marriage, I will say that I think you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to take an honest inventory of why you married him and why you have continued to stay in a relationship, a relationship whose inception was speckled with disappointment.  There’s no shame in truthfulness – many couples stay together for a myriad of reasons other than “being in love”… they may be fully committed to raising their family together or may be fear being alone, or cannot take on the financial responsibility of being on their own.  They’re all valid reasons, however if the primary reason for staying in a relationship is one other than the fact that you truly enjoy and love each other, it takes more of a concerted effort to balance the relationship and  help avoid the pitfalls of what could turn easily turn into a miserable situation.  Relationships can work on many different levels, but the common denominator is to value the relationship for what it is, and for both parties to do their best in being the best companion they can.


No matter how well developed our self-esteem is, the fact is who we can attract as a partner shifts throughout our lifetime, according to our age and life circumstances.  The same man or woman who may have been attracted to us at the age of 30 may not be attracted to us at the age of 50, for any number of reasons.  When deliberating whether to leave their current relationship, I would advise anyone to consider a “grass may not be greener” scenario.  We’ve all heard stories of spouses who become disenchanted with their marital relationship, only to leave their spouse for their paramours and realize that all that glittered was not gold, leaving them regretful and with hopes of a marital reconciliation.


Scientists have done numerous studies on what attracts and keeps people in love with each other.  While opposites may attract and contribute to an exciting relationship, more often it’s those with whom we share a more equal level of attributes in terms of physical attractiveness, intelligence and socio-economic levels who make the best pairings.  In simpler terms:  We are most attracted to people who are most like us.


If you feel as though you settled, you most likely did.  I think the bigger question now becomes  “Did you grow into the relationship?”  Has he proven to be a decent mate?  Did your feelings grow for him in any positive way?  If you are answering no to those questions, the relationship is most likely in a precarious position.  Moreover, how is your self-esteem now, at this stage in life?  Do you truly believe you deserve someone more compatible with you?  Do you believe you have a lot to offer the right man?


Unless your relationship is miserable, on emotional life-support or in any way abusive (either verbally or physically) I would advise not to take any drastic leaps, especially if you have been married for awhile and children are involved.  Continue to be a role model for your children, helping them to develop their sense of self-worth and steer them towards choosing a partner with whom they feel most mirrors themselves in positive ways.


There are a few things I believe to be true – we’re the sum of our choices, we’re given free will and timing, as they say, is everything.  Faith, hope and wisdom are touchstones of happiness.  If you truly believe you are not experiencing your best in life, seek it out.


Then again, what does it really boil down to?  Woody Allen may have summed it up best when he was asked to justify why he left Mia Farrow for her adopted daughter, his then-girlfriend and current wife, and famously replied … “The heart wants what the heart wants.”

Change your Thoughts and Change your World...

I watched two wonderful movies this week which I highly recommend:

"You Can Heal Your Life" (DVD)
www.louisehaymovie.com
www.hayhouse.com

This film not only gives insights into Louise Hay's personal journey (which is fascinating and inspirational) but gives a clear understanding of the power of our thoughts and emotional vibrations we hold within ourselves and how they directly affect the outcomes of our reality.  (You can also find this film in most public libraries.)


"The Shift" (DVD)
Starring Dr. Wayne Dyer
www.hayhouse.com
Written by Kristen Lazarian

This film is presented as part documentary interview with Dr. Dyer set against a backdrop of an intertwined storyline featuring actors.   Its very interesting and very good.  Wayne Dyer communicates in an easy and comfortable manner, clearly relaying his thoughts, beliefs and experiences.  Small, seemingly impercetible shifts in our consciousness lay the groundwork for grander changes in the landscape of our lives. (You can also find this film in most public libraries.)

My personal thoughts ....

As a Christian, I eschew most of what is considered "New Age" ideology and teachings, they can and often do come from a place of negative influence (psychics, mediums, etc.) and can be very detrimental to spiritual health, however principles of thought are grounded in Judeo-Christian beliefs and scripture...Proverbs 23:7 states: "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he" (which is translated more succinctly to "As you think, so shall you be".  This is not to say that every difficult or adversarial situation that appears in our lives is a direct result of our thinking; we live in a world where other people do come against us and create difficult situations within the space we live, or we may need to experience certain adversities to teach us valuable lesson and provide a path to greater growth.  Many times a great adversity in our life is in disguise, allowing God's blessings to be shown and come into your life in a much greater way.  While we cannot control what other people think or do, and we cannot change all of the things that may come upon our path through random forces, we can absolutely change how we react or think about them.  We have incredible power in our minds.

"What you think and what you believe is what will come true for you --- your thoughts create your life."

From Friendship to Love...

Dear Karen,

I recently came across your site and I am desperate for advice. My name is Sean, I'm a 23 year old male, and my "best" friend is a 21 year old female, and about a year ago I had fallen in love with her. I have known her for about 2.5 years and we share quite a history together. We didn't exactly hit things off right away, I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time when I met her and neither was she, but after talking for awhile and getting to know each other a lot better we eventually hooked up and slept together, and she was actually my first. What turned into a friends with benefits kind of thing actually lead her to have some feelings for me which I didn't reciprocate.

But fast forward a few months and deep down I found I had those feelings. However this time she didn't reciprocate and decided she wasn't ready for a relationship again. After confessing my feelings to her, she preferred if we just stayed best friends. I believe that's where I went wrong, instead of giving myself time to heal I fell even deeper into my attraction for her because we talked everyday. This whole situation has lead me into a few other details. I was forced to once again reveal my feelings for her back in October, but this time I was never given a clear answer. She never said yes but she also didn't say no. However it's been almost 3 months and she's been telling me about other crushes and loves she has, so I feel like I have my answer.

My second problem is now I don't know what to do about our friendship. I've been in a war with myself as to what the proper course of action is for me to do, and in trying to figure it out, I hurt her feelings on her birthday by neglecting her after promising I would make it a great night for her. She said she has forgiven me, but I still feel like it's not 100%. So I'm still trying to figure out what to do, before her birthday she initiated contact with me about 80% of the time, now we're down to me having to do it most of the time. She also has a tendency to disappear completely and just stop talking, where as when I disappear for awhile she asks why I never message her and asks me what my problem is. I'm completely torn between my love for her and the amazing friendship we have. I'm scared that if I cut her out completely things will never be the same and I'm not sure how to deal with that, but if I don't do something I'll feel like I'll never be able to completely move on.

Advice from Karen:

Dear Sean:

First let me summarize briefly how I understand things to be: You and this woman started out as friends. Good friends. Things took a turn and you became "friends with benefits," nevertheless once the sexual aspect of the relationship came into play, there was intimacy. She wanted a romantic relationship at first, you didn't. Then, you decided you loved her as more than a friend and wanted a romantic relationship, but she moved away.  She is also your first experience, your "first love."  It is indeed a powerful force.

Okay ... here's what I think is going on: I think both you and she are playing a classic "tug-of-war" here. The positive aspect is it sounds as though you both may be in love with each other. Now, since you were the one who initially backed away after your relationship took the turn into intimacy, you have to realize a woman's ego is fragile. Chances are no matter how stoic she appeared, or how non-chalant she played it -- she was hurt and upset. She may have played it cool on the surface, but once a woman is intimate with a man, even if she isn't wanting a deeper relationship, she still wants him to want her in a deeper relationship. Make sense? Well, yes, it's part of the feminine mystique... Women want to be desired more than they desire. If you were also her first experience, the feelings are compounded for her. A woman's first love does play an integral part in developing her sense of self as a partner.

So now you want more from the relationship and she's playing it aloof. Clearly the two of you do not want to go extended periods of time without communicating and you are both still interested in what each other does in your "away time." This indicates to me that you both have stronger feelings for each other than just friendship. I think you're both in love with each other.

Now the bad news ... the friendship will most likely never be able to set back to square one, not since the love bug bit both of you, even if it was at different times. To go back to simply being friends, without the hint or feelings of the physical attraction, would be difficult. Can it be done?  Of course, but you would both have to be really upfront and honest with each other. Put the cards on the table.

My advice? I think you may need to come to terms with yourself that you are in still in love with her.   If that's the case, go after her on bended knee, and wear your heart on your sleeve. It's hard being vulnerable, but there is no other way to go about being happy in love.  Tell her once again you were a little confused in the beginning, but now you can't envision not having her in your life. Confess your love. Not just your friendship, your love. Remember, first loves are very powerful. Sometimes they last forever, some times they don't, but they must always be given their place in our lives. Be open with this woman. The friendship has transformed, I don't think there is a way to go back to its initial form, but you do have the opportunity to grow it into something wonderful, even if it is for this part of your life.  You have more to gain and experience if you examine what the relationship might be like romantically then trying to set the point back to a platonic friendship, which would be very difficult.

Good luck Sean...This should be a wonderful time in your life, make the most of it!